Not you, but i: How to be assertive

by Jaide K

​In my culture, we are taught to keep quiet and listen. As kids, we were to never question adults, to always remain compliant and obedient. I have personally grown up doing that (most of the time) and have also learnt to say yes to people and to always be “nice”,  which led me to not knowing when to put myself first. As an adult these are things I still struggle with. This article is for all the ‘softies’ out there (young or old) who would like to learn to stand up for themselves and still remain respectful. This is called being assertive or having an assertive communication style. To practice this, there are a few things you will need to do!

1. Boundaries

Boundaries are fundamental in being assertive. An assertive person will know how to set healthy boundaries which will serve to protect themselves without being destructive towards others. Let us look at this from a spectrum: at each end are your extremes and towards the middle would be assertiveness. The one extremity could be that you have NO boundaries when it comes to people or yourself and the other extremity could be that you have too many boundaries in place and end up isolating yourself from people in general, even those who could potentially be good for you and your well-being.

When setting boundaries, it is important to identify the different types of people in your life. As you read this article right now, how many people do you consider your friends? Who are the genuine ones? Who are the drifters who only come in and out of your life to use you? Asking yourself these questions and identifying these people in your life is integral for creating your boundaries.

2. Understanding the Power of Assertivenes

​Many people think that being assertive equates to being rude or aggressive. It is the combination of setting healthy boundaries with yourself and others, having the ability to communicate effectively, to stand up for yourself in a respectful manner (if need be) AND being able to communicate these boundaries and expectations to people. Being assertive is not aggressive, it is not cutting people out of your life; but the ability to maintain a healthy relationship with yourself and others. It is essential to teach children to be assertive. This would prevent a lot of children from growing up and becoming adults who are coined as pushovers or ‘softies’. Do not get me wrong, I’m not saying that passivity is wrong, but sometimes being too passive can have detrimental effects on your relationships and will open doors to people treating you however they see fit.

3. Using “I”  instead of “You”

​When being frustrated or angry, it becomes very easy to blame the next person, “it’s Your fault I couldn’t wash the dishes”,  or “it’s because of you that I could not do this or that..”. Being assertive focuses on expressing how someone has made you feel, instead of blaming them for a certain action. Remember, situations and occurrences are all up to your perception, just because you’ve perceived someone’s behavior as negative, does not necessarily make it negative or, the accused individual could deny said behavior (cue, “I didn’t mean it in that way”). Behavior becomes negative once there is a repeated pattern that has already been addressed as problematic but persists despite multiple attempts of informing the person. Another important aspect of developing an assertive communication style is to recognize that your thoughts are not always facts. It is important to discuss how someone or a situation has made you feel and be willing to listen and compromise when in a discussion with that individual.

4. Confidence is Key

Confidence comes into play in many different areas of our lives. Over my interactions with different people from different cultures and backgrounds, I have noticed that many confuse confidence for arrogance. According to the Cambridge English dictionary, being conceited is described as having an excessively favorable outlook on one’s abilities, physical appearance, etc. Ladies and gentlemen, there is a MAJOR difference between being proud of yourself and your achievements and having an inflated sense of self. if you think you are being conceited by acknowledging that you look good or that you have achieved your goals, trust me, you’re not.
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This is where being assertive comes in. An assertive person will be confident in themselves, be aware of their strengths and shortcomings, know their worth and the value they bring to the table when engaging in conversations with people.

Benefits and Downfalls of being Assertive

People who are assertive do not ponder on the problems at hand but are problem solvers and solution driven. These individuals are compromising and can see value in both parties involved in a disagreement and aim to find a common ground. Being assertive means you are more self-assured and can therefore reduce anxiety and self-critical thoughts which many of us struggle with. Being assertive sounds super cool, right? After reading this, you are probably thinking I’d like to be more like this. However, it does come with its downsides. Some people might perceive you as being overly confident or even mistake you for being aggressive. Some cultures which place more emphasis on patriarchy might have issues when it comes to women being more assertive and this could be misinterpreted as being disrespectful. It is important to keep these things in mind when dealing with different people.
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This article may only highlight some important bits and pieces of being assertive. If you are always trying to improve yourself as a person then do more research on this and start practicing today or teach your children these important tips to becoming more assertive and raise confident children who will go on to become self-assured, solution-driven adults.